Overview

By taking proper care of body, mind, and spirit, clergypersons can serve more effectively. But stress can impact each of these areas. The Reverend Dr. James Robey offers suggestions about identifying and remedying common stressors in the daily lives of clergypersons.

About Jim Robey

After more than 30 years of pastoral ministry in United Methodist congregations, the Reverend Dr. James Robey founded Attentional Growth Inc. in 2004. This nonprofit venture helps him fulfill his passion "to assist leaders so that the work of the church may be enhanced" by offering aid in spiritual life coaching designed especially for clergy. He and his wife Betty, a hospice nurse, live in Gulf Shores, Alabama.

Interview

CRG: Let's start with your telling us a little about yourself, your experience with the church, and your views of self-care for clergy.

Jim: I'm Jim Robey, a United Methodist minister and life coach who has learned a lot about self-care, both by actually doing it and by dealing with the results when one does not do it. Sometimes we clergy are so oriented towards serving others we forget to take care of ourselves, we don't take proper care of our body and mind and spirit. And when we don't take care of one of those three elements, in a holistic sense, we're shorting ourselves and we're shorting our effectiveness as instruments of God. But if we do take proper care of ourselves, we can serve others more effectively, and we can avoid burnout.

CRG: Let's talk first about care of the body.

Jim: Sure. In the South, historically, ministers have been seen as bad health risks. As a group, ministers have not been conscientious of taking care of themselves. We live under a lot of stress. Many of us eat things that are not good for us. I'm fond of saying that the belly in front of me is not a beer belly, it's a graveyard.

CRG: What kind of graveyard?

Jim: A chicken graveyard.

CRG: How so?

Jim: A covered dish graveyard or a potluck graveyard. So, one aspect of self-care and the body is healthy eating habits. We have to find ways other than food to calm ourselves in dealing with the stress and strain of work. Pastors can be very good models of how to care for and respect the bodies that God has given us. We can get annual physicals, take time to rest, do activities appropriate to our age and stage in life.

CRG: All right. Now, mind and spirit: are those together or are they separate elements?

Jim: I would not separate them. Many years ago I learned theologically that one can distinguish between but one cannot really separate. I've distinguished three aspects of our being (body, mind, spirit), but they are all interconnected.

As I think about mind, three areas emerge. The first is intellectual stimulation, the part of self-care that keeps our minds focused, working, and learning new things. The second is combating distractions in our thinking. All of us come out of family systems where we have absorbed certain ways of doing things, but some of them are not the best nor the healthiest for us. Self-care includes finding healthier ways to think about life. The third element is healing the wounds we carry with us that have not been treated.

Having a counselor or a confidant, especially for young clergy, is very helpful. A life coach can help one to rephrase and rethink some issues.

CRG: Okay. What about the spirit?

Jim: The area of the spirit includes those things that nurture our spiritual life, our spiritual growth, and help us be connected to God.

So often pastors are so involved in their own congregations that they have little time to hear others preach or to be part of a worship service that they are not leading. It's possible to worship and lead at the same time, but it's not easy, so we need some time where we are simply participants.

It also helps to have spiritual disciplines that nurture our life, so that the spiritual life grows even as we serve other people. This is where it could be useful and beneficial to have a spiritual director or confidant.

Setting aside times for one's own personal retreat, to be alone with God, alone with Scripture—reading, praying, simply for one's own nourishment, not for anyone else's purposes. From my own life experiences, and from observing others, I find these practices are very important.

• Common Causes of Stress

CRG: Let's explore clergy stress. What do you see as some of the key causes? What are some of the symptoms? What are some ways clergy can address the problem?

Jim: Well, we clergy have been given this divine mandate, but we're still human, so there's going to be stress. We work for the "Big Boss" upstairs, so to speak, and we deal with human beings who don't always do what the "Big Boss" says. Being called by God is both a blessing and a challenge at the same time.

We try to be faithful to God's call and to serve the people God sent us to, even when they don't always want us to be their pastor, or they have their own issues to deal with. The conflict can cause quite a bit of stress.

Finances can also cause stress. Clergy, as a group, tend to be well-educated—and yet they are not well-compensated, compared to other professionals (except perhaps for those serving one of the megachurches).

Consequently, in terms of compensation and living costs, many clergy are living more of a vow of poverty than they ever considered.

There is also stress upon the clergy family because it lives in a fishbowl. Whatever the pastor or the pastor's spouse or the pastor's kids do can be seen by some as a reflection upon the pastor.

CRG: It seems some people would wonder "why don't they just take some time off?"

Jim: It's not that easy. We tend not to take care of ourselves and arrange a sabbatical or take the time away or even take a vacation. We live in a world where we're "on" 24/7. If a parishioner calls in the middle of the night, we feel we have to respond immediately. Our desire to be needed, to be helpful, to make a difference in people's lives is a wonderful attribute, but it can also drive us crazy.

Most of us don't actually go crazy, but some of us do exhibit symptoms that indicate clergy stress—such as depression, malaise, a sense of discouragement. Another sign is anger toward others—particularly people in "authority" in the denomination, members of the congregation, the spouse, and the children. The number of physical aliments that clergy develop also indicate stress.

CRG: If we would like to help, what other behaviors could we look for?

Jim: A number of clergy move from congregation to congregation in relatively short periods of time. Others indicate stress by acting out sexually. Still others develop addictions to alcohol or drugs or gambling or other harmful habits.

CRG: Can you give us some examples of solutions that people have found to deal with stress?

Jim: Working with a therapist or life coach or spiritual director can be very useful. In my role as a life coach, I help people to take a look at their lives and identify what they feel called to do. What do they want more of in their life? What do they want to experience less? What are they willing to do to help that happen?

Most of the time, clergy respond extremely positively to having some structure to work in. After admitting that you have a problem, it's a relief to know you don't have to handle it all by yourself.

CRG: What about those who don't have the kind of helper you described?

Jim: Another useful practice is to attend and participate in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. These 12 Step groups are for persons helping or living with those who are addicted. The meeting provides a no-cost, self-help group that one can use to learn and apply new information about one's self-care.

Some denominational systems are beginning to identify clergy who seem to be unhealthy and then are providing counseling, coaching, or some sort of supervision to help them function more effectively.

Having peers who care about you can be important to self-care. Friends in a group who know you and love you can say "Something's not working here" or "I care about you and I see what's going on."

• Seek a Spiritual Friend

CRG: What if somebody wants to find a spiritual friend or a peer, as you've described? Do you have some suggestions?

Jim: If you had a problem, who are the persons you'd be willing to talk to? Begin that way. Some extreme introverts could find it easier to have a professional relationship, but that's not always the case.

Sometimes it simply involves looking around and seeing who's the person that you have some natural contact with. Who do you feel some affinity to? Who do you trust to talk about some things?

CRG: Is it best if that person is not in the congregation? Or does it matter?

Jim: It can be a person in the congregation, but it has to be a special somebody who sees you as a human being, not just as a minister. I have had several lay friends in congregations I have served who I knew I could call and rant, rave, scream, cuss, holler, cry or pray, and it would be okay. I wouldn't have to explain myself. So it's possible to have a person in the congregation, but one must be clear about the roles and relationship.

CRG: So the congregant is playing a different role for the clergyperson?

Jim: It's simply two friends. One of my dear friends over the past ten years has been a layperson, David. I could call him at any time and it was very clear that I was Jim the Friend, not the Reverend Dr. Jim the Pastor.

CRG: What about young clergy or people who are new in a setting and might not have established those kinds of friendships yet?

Jim: For new clergy, I suggest getting together with other clergy, and even going beyond one's own denomination. You can meet other clergy at a meeting, or you can take the initiative and call the pastors of the three closest churches, and invite them to coffee. The new person in town can do things that are not open to someone who's been there for a while. They can attend various meetings and choose one or more persons who might become part of a support system.

CRG: Are there networks of spiritual directors or life coaches within denominations? Or some national bank of experts?

Jim: Spiritual Directors International includes both Christian and other faith traditions. They have a website that lists persons who help people look at where God is at work in the midst of spirit.

There are also people who have been given the title "Spiritual Director" because they function in that capacity. For many years, I have used two Episcopal persons as my spiritual directors simply because they were from a different tradition than mine, United Methodist. They were known to be persons of the spirit who could help identify where God was at work.

For life coaching, the International Coach Federation (ICF) has coaches from the United States and around the world. You can search by various criteria. Also, the mainline denominations are aware that life coaching is a valuable gift for clergy and other leaders, so they are identifying qualified coaches.

CRG: I have a general question about clergy care. Often people are reluctant to reach out when they are in crisis because they're afraid their peer network may admonish them or look down on them. Or they feel vulnerable about not appearing "strong." Do you have any suggestions for those in this situation?

Jim: When you're in crisis, or moving towards one, and you cannot call someone from your own denomination, ask somebody from another tradition. For example, a tremendously important experience occurred 24 years ago. I was part of an Academy for Spiritual Formation with persons from a number of religious traditions.

We had an opportunity to experience confession. Some issues were weighing heavily on me, but I did not want to talk to any of my peers. So, I asked one of my friends, who happened to be a Lutheran pastor, to hear my confession. That was the perfect solution. So, if someone is in crisis, I often recommend they reach out to someone in another denomination.

CRG: What other helpers have you found?

Jim: Within denominations there often are directors of pastoral care and counseling who are bound to protect and preserve whatever is shared with them in confidence.

Another option would be seeking others in the helping professions—counselors, therapists, anyone who provides a sense of safety and confidentiality for the pastor.

CRG: What about costs? Do you know any financial resources to help our folks pay for spiritual direction or life coaching or some other assistance?

Jim: Good question. The answer is no. But many spiritual directors and life coaches are willing to work on a sliding scale, so you can always ask. As a life coach, I have some flexibility with what I can charge. I'm willing to do that and so are many other coaches and spiritual directors.

There are some other options, too. Health insurance programs are beginning to recognize that hiring a life coach is a good step for people. Some denominations provide a pool of money for self-care. Local congregations and individuals many times will say, "This is something that's important for you to participate in, and we will help you do it."

For example, here on the Gulf Coast, we had a series of hurricanes hit within a few years time, with Katrina being the biggest one. The ministers of the Alabama-West Florida Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church offered a three-week sabbatical to any pastor who had been in a church affected by one of the hurricanes. The Conference offered $1,000 to the pastors to use however they wished. The only rule was they had to leave town. They also gave the church $1,000 to provide coverage while the pastor was gone. One of my friends took advantage of the sabbatical time and when she mentioned it in church, one of the members offered free use of a house in Hawaii.

CRG: That's very interesting. It reminds me that other organizations like Wheat Ridge Ministries and the Lilly Endowment are helping out with sabbaticals.

Jim: Yes, it's a great thing. The Lilly Endowment program for pastoral excellence offers another way of self-care. Being part of groups like that introduces you to peers and people begin to see your brilliance, and also your bull. People who love you can help you to grow and to nurture your body, mind, and spirit together.

• Staff Team Retreats

CRG: Let's talk a minute about staff teams. What's your experience been like?

Jim: I think once a year a staff team needs to have a retreat together and the focus of the 24 to 48 hour period should be developing relationships and having fun together. Church work can wait. The staff needs time together in an informal setting. That's one dynamic.

Another dynamic is holding one another in love, and making it possible for a staff member to attend an event, learn, come back, and share what they have experienced. The sharing can be as simple as a five-minute oral report to the director of the staff.

CRG: What if you're working on a team and you sense that another colleague—or a member of the congregation—is under a lot of stress. How do you help that person recognize the situation?

Jim: In one congregation that I served, there were a couple of men and women on the staff who knew me well. From time to time, one or two of them would simply invite me to lunch and share what they observed going on. They would invite me to learn from them and then respond.

They'd say, "We notice how tired you're looking recently." Once again, we are watching over one another in love, sharing what we observe, so it's not an accusation. They'd say, "You look weary," or "When was the last time you went out with your spouse?," or "When was the last time you played for 24 hours?," or "When was the last time you had a physical?"

CRG: In the hiring process, if a congregation can be upfront with the clergyperson that they expect him or her to "Take care of yourself so you can serve as our leader," then the relationship could get off to a great start.

Jim: Yes and congregations can also let it be known that "We expect you to be our pastor, and a human being at the same time. We look to you to model good self-care to the rest of us because we get forgetful, too."

CRG: That reminds me of a recent article in the New Yorker by the daughter of Paul Moore, the Episcopal Bishop of New York. She describes her experience with him and what he represented to her in terms of the relationship to God and Jesus. The standard was impossibly high.

Jim: You're reminding me that the best religious leaders have an awareness of their connection to God, but also to their humanity. But the persons I worry about are the ones who do not see their humanity, and are so connected to their sense of being with God they fall into the trap of becoming God to themselves.

Humility is a very important gift for a clergyperson. You know you're having trouble with your humility when the congregation is singing "How Great Thou Art" and you have the urge to run up to the front and take a big bow. So, my new book is entitled, Humility and How I Achieved It.

• Stress Inherent in the Work

CRG: I wonder if we could shift the focus now and talk about a few more topics. I'm interested in your thoughts on clergy divorce, and on the stress inherent in the work. I also wonder about changes in how the culture perceives the clergy compared to the past, and about how a congregation can truly support their clergy.

Jim: I think these concerns blend together. Yes, being a clergyperson means there is stress inherent in the job one is called to do. All ministers in a church have the responsibility of preaching, teaching, visiting, caring for one another, and guiding each other in their spiritual discovery.

There's more than enough to do to fill up a day, a year, or a lifetime. For example, I've had weeks when there were three funerals on the same day, and it happened to be Holy Week, so I was preaching each day. Easter was coming. And my kid had strep throat. And I had to finish my taxes.

CRG: And probably, the annual meeting was coming up three weeks after Easter.

Jim: Yeah. So there are certain things inherent with the job. I have a great respect and appreciation for clergypersons because it's not a life one would choose without a sense of calling. It's a privilege to be with people in their up moments, down moments, times of spiritual victories and times of moral failures, and when they have opportunities to practice forgiveness and to start new beginnings.

Still, there's stress inherent in the job. But we impose a lot of it upon ourselves by telling ourselves, "I must make everyone happy" or "I must be available 24/7" or "I must make sure my kids do not get their name in the paper for doing something bad."

One of the helpful things I see as I work with clergy is that people can begin to discern the expectations they put on themselves. They also begin to realize that many laypersons are much more forgiving and understanding of our stresses than we are ourselves. Often words of grace come from laypeople who have told me, "You don't have to do that."

CRG: So, it could be useful to examine what we might be doing to cause our own stress?

Jim: I do think we impose stresses and strains upon ourselves in ways that are not beneficial or helpful. Historically, clergy were among the most educated persons and many perks came with the profession.

For example, in some hospital settings when I wore my collar and carried this "look" I can could walk into the ER and continue to the back because they would have recognized me as a clergyperson. Or at least it used to be that way. Nowadays, I get challenged and have to show documentation. Simply having this particular "look" does not work.

CRG: In some hospitals, people have to request a priest. You can't just go and visit people you happen to know.

Jim: Right. So, the culture is changing. Meanwhile, our validation as ministers comes not from the culture but from inside, from our relationship with God. The general public may not see the profession as being one of the most desirable, and may not think we should be honored and valued.

If we honor and value ourselves, we are truly being faithful to what God has called us to do. This is an internal validation as opposed to an external one. The more connected and grounded we are with being faithful to what God has called us to do, the more stable we will be when the culture says "It's not important to be a minister."

CRG: So you don't much care what the public thinks?

Jim: It's always nice when they do bow and genuflect to me as I enter, but that hasn't happened in a number of years now.

• Preventing Stress

CRG: Okay. Would you comment on clergy divorce? Or, if you prefer, stress prevention?

Jim: The two are tied together. I'll start with divorce. Back in 1981, I went through a divorce at the ripe old age of 30. Not many ministers were being divorced at that time, so there were few role models or persons with that experience.

I got divorced, and then remarried. In my ministry, my own experience of divorce has enabled me to help both clergy and laypersons. I also think the stresses and strain of clergy life are one of the big factors that make ministers not immune to divorce.

Recently, I read that devout Christians tend to have a divorce rate a little greater than 50 percent, which is just slightly more than the general public. So religion and our profession do not protect us from divorce.

Therefore, it's important to have support systems for the clergyperson, the spouse, and any children or others who are involved. It's also an opportunity for the congregation to be supportive.

CRG: At the time, was your congregation helpful?

Jim: They were extremely supportive, loved both of us, and assured us they would stand by us. The divorce became a connection place for me as some congregants began to relate to me as more of a human being because they saw I had been through pain.

We clergy who have been divorced no longer have the pretension of being perfect. We know what it means to hurt. We know what it means to fall short of the glory of God, and even of our best hopes, dreams, and expectations. So, divorce can become an opportunity for us to become what Henri Nouwen called "wounded healers," those who have experienced the pains of life and use them to connect with others as a source of God's healing.

CRG: Besides support of the congregation, what are some other preventive measures?

Jim: I see denominations becoming aware of the stresses in clergy families and inviting persons to become involved in marriage enrichment events, or marriage encounter programs.

Closer to home, it's useful to have places outside the family where the clergyperson can find support as well as feedback. One of my big mistakes is asking my wife to comment on my sermon.

One time, fishing for a compliment, I said, "You know, honey, I'm sure the sermon I just gave was one of the most excellent ones ever." No comment. So, I added, "You know there are really very few good preachers anymore." Still no response. I tried again: "There are very few really great, dynamic preachers in our area anymore."

She looked at me and said, "There's even one fewer than some people think there is."

CRG: That's a great comeback!

Jim: Having the opportunity to share stories together helps as a preventive measure. Having time to talk about something other than the congregation also helps. It's important that the spouses of clergy, both male and female, have an opportunity to hear them talk outside of church. And it's important for family members to hear topics other than church business.

CRG: And outside of the family?

Jim: Being part of a support group is valuable, whether you create your own or join some 12 Step program or participate in a pastoral excellence program. Maybe you simply go to a weekend event and form a group there for that period of time. These preventive measures can make a big difference.

CRG: Is there anything else the congregation can do to be supportive?

Jim: Three things come to mind. One, when hiring, assure the applicant that the congregation desires the person to take care of him- or herself, and will make available the time and space support for self-care.

Second, congregation members can write letters of love and appreciation from time to time to the pastor and staff members. Thank them for specific things they have said and done. These mean the world to a pastor; I know because I've received some.

Third, congregations can do something special when they see an opportunity the pastor could benefit from. For example, a trip to the Holy Land or a week at a seminary or a cruise to celebrate an anniversary. Just some way to show appreciation.

CRG: Great examples. Any final thoughts?

Jim: I guess my bottom line is that self-care allows us to use our humanity for the ministry of God.

CRG: That's a great way to describe it! Thank you very much, Jim.

• Resources

Click on "clergy: self-care" to visit the resource category devoted to this topic in the Congregational Resource Guide. Here you will find resources listed, along with descriptive annotations and links to resource providers.